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Wednesday, October 18th 2006

3:02 PM

The UT-Georgia Game

Apparently every year my alma mater the University of Tennessee plays the University of Georgia.  For the last several years I have missed these encounters because that seems to be the game me and the crew get retardedly drunk.  Last year was the first time since the LPV (ah how I miss that place) that I witnessed one of these games.  This year Manwhore was able to find us a place to ahev a UT/Georgia party.  His new lady friend who we will call Michelle let us use her place.  Her neighbors who we will call Bobby, Sam, and Amanda were also there.  I went to high school with Bobby, Sam, and Amanda (Sam and Amanda are married by the way) but never really partied with them.

I thought I would be a good guest and bring some rum and tequilla for everybody to drink.  Apparently everybody there was happy with their beer.  Pussies.  Oh well more booze for The Pat.

The tequilla bottle was only half full from a previous ball game so I figured I'd go ahead and get going.  I had finished the tewquilla by the ned of the first quarter.  When I started drinking the rum Michelle looked at me all horrified and said, "Patrick you will keep all of your clothes on tontie right?"  I assured her I would knowing that I would make a liar of myself as the rum flowed.  After my third shot of rum Michelle finally took it away from me.

Fortunately for me Bobby found me entertaining.  Everytime Michelle and Amanda would leave the room he would go piour me another shot.  He even pured me a shot of ameretto that almost made me lose it because of its sweetness.

I started making phone calls at halftime.  I don't remeber who all I called but I was later told by Whiskey(of the www.thepat.org message boards) that I talked to him at legnth.  Manwhore and Michelle took my phone from me to keep me from inviting my entire contact list over for the festiviteis.

After the game was over we moved into the garage are for some reason.  Bobby had enough and walked home.  For some reason rum affects me differently than other booze.  As we discovered on July 4th weekend rum sends me into a Hitler frenzy.  I began making a speach to Manwhore, Michelle, Sam and Amanda.  I told them how smart and strong I was and at one point jerked my shirt off.  I'm sure this thrilld them to no end.  I also apparently confessed to Amanda in fromt of her husband that when we were in high school that I wanted to drink her dirty bath water.  At this point I am glad I choise that one rather than telling her I wanted to eat the corn from her shit.

I don't remeber much of what happened next but Sam and Amanda left and The Schwan arrived from Powell Valley.  Sadly I couldn't enjoy this LPV reunion as I had passed out on the couch.

The next day I found out that Ut did inded win the game.

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Wednesday, July 12th 2006

12:16 AM

Day of the runaway Shih-Tzu

I have been taking care of some friend's pets this week while they are vacationing.  Today I took Pepe out for his daily crap.  Pepe is a sweet little Shih-Tzu and is as good of a dog as you can ask for normally.  Not today.  Pepe made his break like a prisoner on a work detail.  I had no idea the little bastard was that quick either.  I chased him throughout the yard and figuredhe'ss slow down.  Nope on my third trip past my car I considered just getting the pistol out and putting a .45 in the little prick's spine.  I reconsidered when I realized that Pepe's owners are my friends and would gladly kill me and hide my body for shooting their beloved pet.  He must have sensed the murder on my mind because he decided to leave the yard.  Pepe finally wore himself out when he got down the hill and neared the bank on the four lane.  I'm sure all the neighbors were thrilled as I was cursing Pepe at the top of my lungs as he and I ran (run is a very loose term with me, it was more like I was shuffling my feet really fast) through their yards.  I got him back to the house and decided that he was going to be much better supervised the rest of the week.  No wonder people love it when I'm in the nieghborhood.
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Thursday, April 13th 2006

9:17 AM

Beth and Meg go to Johnson City

Ok I have been a lazy blogger lately.  Point of fact is that my life has been pretty mundane the last coulpe of weeks though I am thinking about posting a blog featuring the funnier highlights.  Fortunately for me my dear friends Beth and Megan have swooped in to save the day.  I love those girls.  They have been mentioned in previous blogs.

Last weekend while everybody here in Campbell COunty was hunkered down to weather the hellish storms the ravaged the area Beth and Meg took off for my old college of ETSU.  I knew they would have fun but I wasn't prepared to hear about the story that followed.

The met up with their friend Maren when they got there.  Apparently somebody Maren knew was celebrating a birthday that weekend and had invited Maren, who in turn invited the Dynamic Duo of Beth and Megan. Apparently the guest of honor's family was paying for everybody that night. Now if you haven't read my previous stuff concerning these two all I can say is I hav never met two girls that were more deserving of the title of She-Pats.  They are loud, fun, and can be downright rude if you piss them off.
Well they joined the limo ride for this party. Apparently they ended up at one of Johnson City's nicer eating establishments and were busy trying to find the most exspensive thing on the menu when the guest of honors grandmother approached them.  Grandma said, "excuse me but (insert birthday slut's name here) has no idea who you are and we think you should leave."  This was a bad move on Grandma's part as she had no idea who she was dealing with.
Bithday Slut's family had gotten here a very nice three layered cake that was sitting near the exit.  Beth decided she at least wanted a taste of the cake's icing so she got a handful on the way out.  Mrgan decided that the cake looked to good for people who would kick the Dynamic Duo out of a birthday party to enjoy, I mean reall Batman and Robin never got kicked out of parties.  Megan accidently tripped into the cake and it must have slipped off the table onto the floor.  Well in the immortal words of my hero Tucker Max if those sluts at the party can't take a joke, FUCK THEM!

For those of you that would like to see Beth and Meg here is a link to Meg's myspace profile, Beth is the blonde in the pics with her:
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Sunday, March 26th 2006

10:26 AM

Fan Mail

Apparently not everybody hates me:


I just wanted to say that your site is awesome.  I didn't really know you in high
school (graduated in 98 - I dated Chris Perry and was friends with Zach Turner,
Emily Wilson, etc.) but knew more "of you."  Anyways, the devil that is myspace
pulled me in and by surfing through Nikki's and Virginia's pages I ended up at yours
and ultimately at thepat.org   It provided at least 2 hours of entertainment
tonight!!!  (I needed something since my friends were out drinking without me -
haha!) I still didn't make it through all the stories and pictures... but I intend
I just wanted to say gratz on such an awesome site - and obviously amazingly fun
life!!!!  I never knew life in Campbell County could be so amusing...

Much love,
Melissa (Helton) Abernathy

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Saturday, March 18th 2006

9:08 AM

Pat's first hate mail

I'm so happy.  I got my first ever piece of hate mail concerning www.thepat.org .  This makes so happy that I am going to share it with all of you.  Edited to protect a friend's identity of course and wiht some commentary.

I do want you to know that I think you ought to rethink your pics on your, Pat's
sweeties page. How old are you? and how old are they? I'm sure [name deleted] would like to
see his daughter on your site like that. I'm sure there is other people that might
be interested. But [name deleted] especially!! She's 16! A minor, a kid, underage, not
legal, I think you get my picture! So, either the pictures of [name deleted] comes off, or
well you try and guess! You know, might not be anything illegal but then again
[name deleted] might think other wise, but even if not you do a have rep you might want to
think about. And wouldn't look to good in the paper, there's that name again,
[name deleted]!! Just one more thing, I have daughters and this, well not going to happen
in this life time.

Today is not to soon!
But rather the best time!

OK let's break this down.  I never post pics at www.thepat.org that weren't given to me by the person with the express purpose of putting them on www.thepat.org . These are not nudes I had up, in fact I don't have anything that would be considered near nudes up.

I may post this lady's email addy for future consumption on the message board.

I love the way this person thinks I need to worry about my reputation.  I have news for you lady, my reputation is that I am a drunk, obnoxious, partier, that happens to like younger women.

Here is the best part, she claimed it wouldn't look good in the paper.  Who the blue hell is she kidding???  There is no such thing as bad publicity!

So in response to this I will soon be expanding the Pat's Sweetie's section on www.thepat.org and hopefully I will piss this woman off further.

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Tuesday, March 14th 2006

5:05 PM

Pat goes to the Arnold Classic part two

After befouling the toilet at the Expo Center we learned that the building we needed to be in for the martial arts competitions were in the Nationwide Arena which was about a block away.  Thankfull that my sphincter was no longer dialated we headed over and found the gym crew.

Demott needed to weigh in so we headed to get him registered.  He found out he needed to weigh in and wanted to do so in as little clothing as possible.  Demott is a firm believer of going commando and didn't want to weigh totally nude nor did he want to trek back to the car.  I was wearing some underarmor shorts under my warmups so I offered him the use of them to weigh in with.  What I didn't bother to tell him was that I had been wearing them for three days to work out in.  He said he noticed a foul oodor when he was wearing them but being the trooper he is he weighed in in them anyway.  I can't imagine what was going on in the minds of the people in charge when Demott weighed in with three days worth my my festering odors coming off of him.  He thanked me for the use of my nasty shorts and returned them to me.

He and Thom then headed over to the Expo to get all the free stuff that was being offered.  At the expo there was one of those tests of stregnth that involved ringing a bell with a hammer, not unlike a any carnival.  Demott decided to try his luck and swung the hammer.  This resulted n him splitting the seat of his pants.  Now remember earlier when I mentioned that he likes to go commando?  Well the entire expo had the chance to see his rusty sherriff's badge, I'm pretty sure he even shook his ass at the crowd.  One horrified vendor gave him a shirt to cover his offending orifice up with.  He and Thom had to walk all the way back to the vehicle so he could change pants.

The fights started amazingly late.  Apparently the Gracie's decided to enjoy the Columbus night life a bit much that evening.  John fought relatively early, yet still some six or more hours late.  Curtis, Ed, and Verlin, all fought around midnight.  Curtis was nice enough to drive us back to the car so we wouldn't freeze in the cold Columbus winter.

On our way to the motel i reached down to scratch, apparently the funk from my under armor was stuck to me and the stench sent Thom into the dry heaves.  It didn't kill her appetite to terribly bad because we at soem of the finest crap the the Steak and Shake in Columbus had to offer.

Chirs and Curtis fought again the next day and we had fun at the expo afterwards.  We discovered soemthing fabulous when we gassed up for the trip home.  Ohio sells liquor in gas stations.  Chris bought us a $3.99 750 ml of vodka in what was called a convinient travel size.  The swill was awful.  It literally tasted like a doctor's office smells.  Needless to say the trip home was less than pleasant for poor Thom who had todrive.  I had the sulpher burps goin on and we played freeze out most of the way home so the poor girl wouldn't puke.

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Wednesday, March 8th 2006

10:36 AM

Pat goes to the Arnold Classic - part one

Last weekend I made the trip to Columbus, Ohio to go to the Arnold Schwartzenager Bodybuilding Classic and Sports Fest.  Though this breaks my rule of traveling north in the winter it was well worth it as several of my friends were fighting in the Gracie Ju Jitsu Championships.

A large group from the gym went up Thursday night.  Chris, Thomasina, and myself decided to go up late Friday/early Saturday.  I arrived at their place Friday at 10 with the intention of getting a few hours sleep and charging up my camera.  I knew the weekend was going to go well when I couldn't find my battery charger.  I went home and even went back by the gym looking for it.  When I couldn't find it I even went to Wal-Mart with the slim hope of finding a replacement (there apparently isn't anywhere locally that has chargers for lithium-ion batteries).  It turned out top be in the one side pocket of my camera bag that I didn't look in.  Chris and Thom have a mirror in the hall right as you leave their bathroom.  I didn't know this and nearly freaked out when I came out of the bathroom and realized I was looking at myself without being on ether, this was the first of many times I would wake Thom and Chris up over the course of the weekend.  I finally got to sleep around midnight with an estimated time of departure at around 4 in the AM.  At some point in the night Thom said she heard noises coming from me, and I was sleeping two rooms away, that led her to believe that I may be demon possessed.

At 4 in the AM we hit the road.  We stopped at the local Exxon to get some coffee.  I noticed that my worthless brother in law was running around the store all methed up so I sat in the car.  At 4:15 we made a U turn to go get Chris's cell phone.  After I finished of my coffee I decided to nap for a while (strange I knopw but no matter how much caffiene I have I can always sleep on the road.  While I was sleeping Thom literally crawled over me to get the camcorder out of her luggage.  I never even noticed.  She even filmed me sleeping(I'll try to get this footage on www.thepat.org  .  Chris decided that it would be fun to pretend we were wrecking to wake me up.  This only causeed me to ahve a brief moment of clarity to flip him off and go back to sleep.

We stopped somewhere in Kentucky for gas about 8 in the AM.  I decided that the lease on my coffee was up so I went to return it.  Unfortunately there seemed to be some oral sex between two men going on in the gas stations bathroom and I didn't want to interupt the pole smoking so I decided to wait til we stopped for breakfast.  We got some McShit to eat a couple of exits later and I'm happy to report that the bathroom there was gay loving free.

The rest of the trip up was fairly without incident until we hit Columbus itself.  We had a hell of a time trying to find parking and managed to park about as far from where we needed to be as possible.  When we made it to the expo center I had to return the food.  I found the nearest restroom and proceeded to make it smell even worse.  Chris came in and nearly gagged from the foul stench that I was producing.  Thom heard my cries of anguish a rest room over.  After I recovered and my sphincter was no longer dialated we learned that the place we needed to be was a few blocks away.

Stay tuned for part two.

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Tuesday, January 31st 2006

9:05 PM

Fun with Mexicans

This Friday was a little abnormal for me.  Normally I'm pretty much a creature of habit and have a very set schedule.  This past friday was different.  I worked at the gym and Cody and Sierra were out doing something so I accpeted an invite to go eat with the gym crew.

I joined John and Amy along with their children Brandon and Lil John(not of the East Side Boys), Freddy and Bunny Foo Foo, Demott and Thomasina, and Ed and Nikki of myspace fame at El Pueblito's, our local Mexican eatery.  The evening was fun but fairly uneventful and Nikki had to leave early.  She missed the real fun of the evening.

Demoot made a trip to the restroom and secretly informed the Mexicans that it was John's birthday.  Before I go any farther let me describe John.  John is a large man of about 6'5", owns a gym and is a martial arts instructor.  He very much looks the part and you can tell he is not a man to be fucked with.

The Mexicans came out with a sombrero and a whipped cream covered soapapilla to smash in his face.  The Mexicans seemed a bit intimidated about doing this.  Demott took it out of their hands and smashed the soapapillia and all of its accompanying whipped cream directly into John's face.  John jumped up and the Mexicans scattered like somebody ahd yelled,"INS this is a raid!"  John got up and began chasing Demott.  Thomasina had jumped up and started running as well.  The chase ended in the back room when Demott, being the good boyfriend that he is, shoved Thomasina into John, thus saving himself and sending the two of them flying into a table that was being used to restock the trays containing the salt, pepper, and sweeteners.  The Mexicans looked very alarmed but were far to terrified to say anything.  Things got worse when Brandon ran up with a handfull of whipped cream and crammed it in Demotts face.  At this point a full blown whipped cream fight began.  that left almost all of us with some sort of dairy on us.  We compensated the Mexicans by leaving them a good tip, it was probaly the equivilant of 1,000,000 pesos, or about twenty American dollars.  I think they drew straws to see who had to come take our money for the food. 

Demott reports that the martial arts class went to El Pubs the next day and were allowed to eat

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Thursday, January 19th 2006

9:18 PM

The 12 days of PATmas part 4

Sunday January 1st - Oh the agony.  A thousan tiny dwarves are running around my head wih a hammer banging on it.  It took quite a bit of time to lose this hangover.  Finally we got motivated and headed out for lunch and a trip to the Tennessee Aquarium.  We wanted to eat lunch at the Mellow Mushroom.  It is great food and I love to support businesses that support rugby.  Sadly they partied so hard the night before nobody made it in to open.  We settled on a nice microbrewery across the street.  The had good food and better beer.  It was camparable to my beloved Great Southern Brewing Company/Downtown Grill and Brewery.  After sampling their wares  I went and sat in a brick boat til the others promted me to move on to the aquarium.

I have to say this is an awesome place.  I could spend hours watching fish and other aquatic life.  At one point we saw the scariest turtle I have ever seen.  It was a 100 year old 175 pound gatorsnapper.  The thing could have taken my hand off in one bite.  Later Al caused one of the tour guide types to freak out when he grabbed a sturgeon and attempted to rip it from the tank.

The night was subdued as we had a long trip home the next morning.  At some point during the night a horrible thunderstorm rolled through.   Lightening hit very close to the house and woke everybody up except for me(I can sleep through pretty much anyhting)  and Dancin' Stevie(who had taken a Finnegrin).  Everybody thought they heard a low conversation going on somewhere in the house until they all realized it was my hideous snoring.

Monday January 2nd - All good things must come to an end and so did our New Year 05 adventure.  Of course the trip home still held some minor adventure.  We stopped and ate at the Cracker Barrell in Cleveland.  The idiot that seated us put us at a tiny table.  There were five of us and there was a six man table available.  I made my displeasure known to everybody within earshot and fortunately the server in that section was more competant than the idot who seated us.  Our food was, of course, very slow getting to us.  But it was good and we just wanted to get out of Cleveland at that point.

We stopped to gas up in Athens and it reminded me of some of my old adventures at Tennessee Wesleyan College, but those are a story for another day.

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Monday, January 16th 2006

10:12 AM

That Smell

I will be doing the final part of The 12 or so Days of Christmas Pat Style tomorrow.  But I needed to share this little tidbit that happened to me last night.  This is the weird shit that seems to follow me wherever I go.

Last nigh the Lukester came by because he was bored and he knows I rarely bother to leave my house on Sunday.  We decided to head out to the porch to watch some TV(it's actually a sunroom but we all still refer to it as the porch).  It was cold so I fired up the ol' gas heater for a little warmth.  As I made it to the TV I noticed one of the worst smells I have ever had the displeasure of smelling.  It was overwhelmingly bad by the time I made it back over to the heater and turned it off.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I finally realized what it smelled like.  Anybody here ever try to piss out a campfire?  Well it smelled like that only worse.  I can only guess that one of my cats had decided to mark the heater as his own.  At least I dont think my father or I came home so altered that pissing on the heater seemed a good alternative.  The smell had not idsapated at all when Luke left after Family Guy.  I could even still smell it some this morning when I left.  The worst part is that I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to burn it out of the heater with all the doors on the porch open.  Boy the neighbors are going to love me for this.

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